Date Tested: March 21st, 2021

Competitors: See table – too many to list

Test Description: Blind test, set up by third party – Unmarked containers each pre-filled. Tester may drink out of each in whatever order and render a brand guess and/or rating.

My biggest test to date. And for reasons to be discussed, most likely my biggest test ever. This one was over the top and not in a good way.

As for the soda, obviously there is plenty of variation. From “orange soda” to “orange cream soda” to “sparkling clementine water” and everything in between, this fruit has come to dominate the sugar drink market. Orange is one of the oldest sodie pop flavorings there is, and so has had plenty of time to flesh out and define itself in a million ways. This test was supposed to be the definitive answer to the decision paralysis one faces standing in the Kroger carbonated beverages aisle. “I just want an orange soda, why am I expected to pick from over a dozen choices?”

However, due to naïvety, hubris, or ignorance, I failed this test. It fought back. It humbled me. It made me remember why I started methodically testing food products in the first place. It tore me down and while building me back up it showed me what sort of monstrosity this flavorful farce has become. 37 contestants is just too much. How would one even tell the small differences between beverages after 10 or so. Does a sodie pop you can only buy at specialized retailers even belong in the working man’s refrigerated repertoire? The logistics are a nightmare… Hundreds of dollars on drinks many of which are nearly entirely discarded and half an hour for someone to set up the test. If five drinks score an 8 whats the point? There are only so many words with which one can describe orange soda, as is evident in the above table. Notes soon descend into “good,” “not good.” And even at but a sip from each citrus chalice, the human tongue starts to have trouble distinguishing flavors at around cup #22. The stomach gives out soon after. After drink #30, you start to wonder of the cups are filled with agent orange. And forget about going back for seconds, as any self respecting food critic should. Even 6 months after this test, I have not drank or even gazed upon an orange soda. It was simply too much too fast.

Despite the personal Vietnam this test caused for myself and the other participants, I will nonetheless relate the findings here: With a few exceptions, the market forces win this test. Many of the higher scoring sodie pops are household names; Faygo, Fanta, Hank’s, WBC and Boylan all scored well enough that any would be wise choices for a refreshing drink. Vintage Americana, a boutique brand, was the only in the group to score an 8, which is quite the feat considering the multitude of competitors, but I have never seen it in any store besides special importers (such as as Jungle Jim’s). Really my personal takeaway from this test is that the Nazis really made something special with the orange Fanta, and that is what I’ll reach for. Barring that – faygo. Sunkist is my least favorite of the big guys. Note that these takeaways could have been had for half the cost, stomach pain, and time with a simple 10 or so participant test of the name-brands. Lesson learned, scurvy defeated.